Shh. Thomas is out of town.
And I miss you. Today, I realized how it will be...for the rest of the year when you leave. But...it makes me happy to think of how much happier you will be. And--how much you will change. It is kind of exciting.

To: Thomas

Did you know? There are times when I am so afraid to love you? Why?
Hehe. Because I am afraid of losing you. But...I keep loving you because I know that I love you.
I want us to be together through the best times and even (what may seem) the worst.
I am going to marry you someday, I hope~!!!
Being with you makes me so happy. I just hope that I truthfully do the same for you.
/kisses*
Yay!
But..remember.. you promised...
IF we ever lose each other...we will meet again, okay?
When? September 5th,...(year???)
Where? Kyoto, Japan
Who? You and Me?!?
Why? Because I will still be in love with you.

A lot has happened this past year. It has been super fun, frustrating, sad, great, happy, and perfect.
It's been crazy.
How do you know when you are right in your thinking?
How do you know when to change?
Am I a good person? Maybe.

I'm obscenely upset with James. I'm having a lot of difficulties moving on in life without him. I want him here. He's not HERE. He won't grow in Colorado at this rate. What is he thinking? He's got so many distractions and "responsibilities" there. What about us? Who comes first mom and dad or second cousins over there? James? Maybe I just want to last out at someone. I'm not sure. You left me again. That's what it felt like. Whenever I felt like I needed you the most...you weren't there. You were never here physically. I need you here. We need you here. *sighs* I just need to have reassurance that you care for mom and dad. I mean, come on..if not for me...then for mom and dad. Do all of this for Jason and Jessica. Don't they deserve everything that this world can offer? Don't they deserve the best in life? I'm going diamond, with or without you.
Eh. I'm sorry. I just want to slap reality into you sometimes. Mom and dad aren't getting any younger. You've had the dream to retire mom and dad for a long time. You've only got have your dream done. You believe and want this, now go out and do it. Maybe you'll see. Maybe you'll understand. What is really stopping you from our parents' financial independence? What is stopping you from giving them all the things that they deserve and are deprived of? The answer is yourself. Ninety-nine percent of the fight is all in YOUR MIND.
I can't bare to see how hurt and broken they are right now. You're not here looking at them everyday like I am. You're not here getting the constant reminder. If our family is what motivates you, then get back here. COME BACK. Come back and learn. Grow. Grow and then you can go back to your shell AFTER we HELP MOM AND DAD. Help our family. James, you always said that Jason, Jessica, and I were your kids...help us. We look up to you for consolation and help everyday, but you're not there. Mom and dad need you. I feel like I'm just the stand in right now. Why? Why am I doing this? Because my dreams are constantly being reminded and renewed to me.
I'm going Diamond.
Sold my first full case of XS in a day.
goal: sell two cases tomorrow.

yeah...I'm wierd.
I couldn't quit/get fired right. /cry...So, therefore I still have a job.
My parents are sort of upset with me for doing this business.
I'm behind in school because I let myself fall behind.
--Okay, I can't hang out until I catch up.
Meow.
I'm really proud of my growing downlines/group.
They've got about twelve Q's gathered together now in the past three days.
Geez.
They're amazing.
Jason is really committing himself into this business.
He even took the city bus just to get to Jim's house.
The majority of my group came.
It showed their dedication to this business.
I'm amazed and in awe.
I have to get ahead in school so that I can MAKE/BUILD this business.
Sleep is sort of more important than school.
I need to stay focused still though.
I need to not sleep.
Cuong can do it, so can I.
I have to work on a habit for the next twenty-one days.
Okay, so...I'm grounding myself from the internet until further notice.
Well, unless I need to do research for homework.
Okay. Work, work, work.
No one talk to me until I finish my homework?
Or at least call me, and get me to work on it.
Call me, and tell me, and then you hang up.
Don't give into my cute pleading. I tend to do that a lot.

Okay. Thi bi gio em buon lam. Em cong co muon bi an don do. Thai sao em buon ye? Em muon ban chai cua em di vuy ban. Thay sao em kho wa ye? Em co chi muon na het ca cho muot minh thoi. Em ngu wa. Em they na di choi di. Em con thuong anh nhieu lam. Thay sao em co chi muon nam vuy anh thoi? Coi em di. Anh cong di nhe? Cong bo em. Em nhua anh nhieu lam.

Hrm. Hehe. Okay, so...I don't know how to really write in vietnamese anymore. But, I did know at some point. I'm at the very minimal level. /cry. --Done venting.

Sail away, sail away with me
I don't have a ship
But we could get one easily
Drift away, drift away with me
On the raft we'll make of memories
On an ocean we can call forever more
Pre chorus:
I want to find
A piece of your mind
I want to see
Your make believe
I don't want to try so hard
I make it hard for you to breathe

Chorus:
Jump into the ocean
Living on a notion
If you're caught up in the motion
Back track and do it again
And if you make it up
I could never get enough
Me and you together
But you've gotta tell me where to begin

Break away, break away from me
No forget that, just sit here and look at me
Summer's day
Summer every day
And we watch the sunset come back up
And somehow know it never goes back down

Pre chorus

Chorus

I've been saving up to buy more time with you
You've been living it up with someone else
And that's okay with me
Because I know it and you know it too

Chorus

Oysh. I am an emo girl. I'm a really mean emo girl. Hehe. I've been doing nothing but sitting around listening to this song. Some of the words kind of just get me, you know? But, that's okay. Hehe. I'm self centered. I can't talk to myself when I'm like this. Silly me. Time to work at cleaning, and then the other things ish.
Hoorah. Clark and James are coming over for a bit. Huzzah. Not really because this is business-ish. That and I requested a hug. But, I doubt that any hug will be as good as Thomas' so...meow. I really miss him right now. I feel like a bum. I'll get to work eventually.

My brother came home Friday afternoon with my auntie and cousin Andy. Hehe. /dance. I had to work on Friday until about six o'clock. After work, James came and picked me up. He looked funny because his hair was shorter than I remembered. Hehe. I got home, called Thomas, err...checked my email, and then I rushed off to get dressed for the business meeting. James and I had to leave early because of another prospect that I made. Buahahaha. We had to go and pick him up. We arrived at the meeting around eight. It was perfect timing. Jim was flaunting me off to some people. Yeah, I felt odd. I was the youngest person there. Hehe. And trust me, I'm a go-getter. Argh. My eyes are all watery. Well, I mixed and mingled with a lot of people there. They're all older than me, and they seemed to take me seriously. It was so wierd! Hehe. /dance. Erm, the meeting started around eight-fifteen? I don't know. It was AMAZING. Shane O'Riley is an amazing person. He and his wife just adopted a baby girl named Shelby. They're making more than 400 thousand a year. They have so much time on their hands coming up. Well, for the next six months, they're traveling/going on vacation to give out motivational speeches and other things. Wow. Woosh. Blows my mind away. Erm. After the meeting there was a ten minute break before a question and answer session. I met up with my downline and his prospect. Hehe. We're growing. We're the youngest group there. Our group met up with Shane O'Riley personally. OMG! It was classic! He talked to my group, and he noticed me. Er...Yeah, hehe. He knows how old I am. ::looks down at feet::. He gave me high-fives and was all, " You go girl!" . LOL. What a dork. I told him that. He was amazed at what was going on within James' group. Hehe. Hoorah! Now I have to extent myself towards older groups gradually. I can do this. Eagle by FED. I'm totally going to Long Beach, California on October 29th to the 30th now. Erm. Yeah. Jim talked to James and I more. It was motivating and uplifting. The question and answer began and then ended. Well, then there was a meeting after the meeting. Uh-huh. Yup, I know. LOL. Jim's entire group came and met up at the Village Inn. We always go to places like that after the meeting because we just want something simple. Shane O'Riley came along and such. There were about fifteen people who came. Buahaha. I talked to Shane about his newly adopted daugther. He's excited. Hehe. What a lucky guy. He was retired by the age of thirty-two, I think? He's about thirty-four now. Erm...Everyone came and we all sat down. He talked about everything, the good, the bad, the insane. It was great. You know what he said became his dream after he retired though? Peace of mind. He knows that his family (and their future generations) are being taken care of. Royalty income? Oye. It was awesome. Oysh. I couldn't finish my food while I was there. Everyone made fun of me. Hehe. They said that the breakfast burrito was bigger than me. Snoofle. It was awesome. Hehe. Shane told everyone and my group to just go for it. We left and said our goodbyes. It was cold outside. Considerably because I was in a skirt. /cry. It's okay. It's worthwhile. Okay, battle of Daddy's stereo vs Jennie's computer speakers. I think I was pwned. We dropped Jason, my prospect off at home. He was having doubts about joining. Hehe. It's okay. We told him that we'd still be there for him if he needed anything. Oye. Er. MeOw. James and I talked during the drive home. I felt bad. He and I are now competing in a way. It's okay though. This is what's going to drive us to go diamond. I'm basically whooping his butt in this business. Sibling rivalry, what sweet sweet words. Hehe. He is THIRD on Jim's Diamond Now chart. Do you know how HUGE that is? OMG. We're bumping off at least five other people. I believe that this business works. You succeed by helping others. Argh. I don't know. MeOw. I realized something that night. I'm going to be honest with myself about it.
And, I'll also admit that Jason was right. It hurt me when he told me the truth about MYSELF (and others). But, it's only driving me to do more. And I have to remember, " The truth shall set you free".
James and I passed out when we got home. I had to wake up early for the community service thing. I woke up, and James said it was too far to drive. So, I didn't go. I wondered how Thomas was. Hrm. Err...I finally got a chance to watch Sprited Away! That movie is awesome. THe little workers are sooooo cute! I had to go to work by about noon. My headache started as I left the house. I think I was just dehydrated all day. It came and went pretty often. Oye. I came home at about eight-thirty. My siblings and I went to go and visit my grandma. James and I decided that she isn't going to last long. It's not because of her health, it's because of her mental attitude towards life. She was telling us how she's going to die soon. She's been saying that for four years to me. She's growing weaker because she's letting herself fall. I started talking to her about everything last night. I asked her about her life when she was younger. I never communicated with her until last night. She says that nothing is fun for her anymore. That hurts. I asked her what she would do if she had the time, money, and health. She said, nothing. But, I know she misses seeing little kids running around her house. All of us kids used to live and wreck our grandparents' house. Those were the good/bad times in our lives together as cousins, as family. I cried as I talked to my grandma. I cried for her and for my progressively worsening headache. Hehe. My grandma told me about how she had lost two of her children. It was so sad. I dunno. She told me everything. She's helped me to become even more determined to get this business done. I don't want to wait until I'm retired to LIVE life. I'm living it everyday, and I'm going to keeping really living until I die. I will. I know I will. I need to build this business for my other family memebers as well. I know that they haven't treated me with the best love and care, but who can blame them? They are who they are, but maybe I can show them how they can be by example. It doesn't matter who hurts me now. If you want to hurt me again, do it. I'll give you every chance and place to make me cry and bleed. I will still love you all. I've learned that I've grown to have compassion for everyone. Even if they don't like me or treat me well. I want everyone to know that someone wants to love and care for them.
I got home and I just had a headache for a long time. I ate, I think . I wanted to call Thomas all day, but I had a feeling that he'd be out and about. And I would hate to interrupt that, even if he wasn't doing something. I fell asleep on the couch. And now I'm here. Woosh. Okay, Thomas' email. Hehe. /swoon.

I was online this morning looking for a Ap World History review book. I've been having a really really tough time coping with time management. Maybe I'm just a bum? Truthfully, my priority isn't school. It's the business. I'm going platinum within a year. I will. I just need to keep moving forward. Jim made me really think a while back. What is going to help my parents more, the business or going asian club dinners? What's going to help my parents happy? They work so hard just for us kids. I understand that now. No matter how much I want to cry and run away, I can't. I can't pretend that it's not there anymore. They're hurting. For the past decade practically, my family and I have been blessed with numerous challenges. We're still here as a family. We've become closer and yet farther at the same time. I want to give my parents the life that they never really had. They are constantly sacrificing everything just so that we can live a great life. I owe it to my parents, my siblings, and God to excel in this business. I'm slowly but surely growing.
People think that I'm taking on too much. But you know what? This is nothing in comparison to what parents do for their children everyday. This is nothing in comparison to hurt and anguish that some people feel in their lives right now. I am going to help those in need. That's why I'm here today. God sent me here because I'm going to be one of those people who will accomplish something great in benefit of others. I'm not a mediocre teenager. I'm not. I'm learning to look past so much more than girl chit-chats, hair, and make up. Err...Okay, I looked past that a long time ago, but still...you know what I mean.
I'm going to have my dreams staring at me all the time now. I have to keep my dreams in my mind.
I'm trying really hard to do well in school. It's been really hard to balance things out, but hey...my life will rarely be in balance, and I know that. It's okay. I'll work on it. I'm tired, and sometimes I even feel like I can't go on. But you know what? I honestly have no right to say that. I don't work half as hard or do as many things as other people do. I have it easy. I have it so easy that it makes me feel silly for ranting and raving all the time. It's okay though. My faith and dreams are renewed constantly when I look at my family, or when I am looking at someone in need. I'm doing this.
It's amazing what a simple smile can do for me.
All I really want is to see other people happy. That's what makes me happy. I want to help them find happiness in their lives. Sixteen years here, what have I really accomplished? Hehe. It's okay. I'm going to make it. And do you know why? Because my dreams are something greater than you and me. They won't stop coming back to me, or is it that I won't stop coming back to them?
Consistent, consistent, consistent.
Thank you everyone for all of your love and support. If there's ever anything I can do. Please, don't hesistate to ask. Will you deny me of such things? I hope not because I love helping when I can.